i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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