He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize