the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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