WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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