Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
