i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
