Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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