you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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