I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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