that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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