I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
