The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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