Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
