I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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