Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize