Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
