I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize