So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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