Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
