i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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