Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's get the cat blown out
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
