Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
