hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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