I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
