no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
