i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
