Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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