Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
