Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
