Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
