I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
