The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize