My nipple is on Facebook.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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