so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
