How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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