He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
