so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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