I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
