ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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