Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
