i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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