i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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