Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
