Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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