He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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