So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
