how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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