Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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