You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
