Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
