You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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