the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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