There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize