everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
