The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
...so i touched it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
