No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
