i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
