My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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