Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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