You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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