I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I died a long time ago.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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