Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
