Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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